So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
