I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
