remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
