I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
