i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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