You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
