I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
40s are totally the cure
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
