Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize