Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
