Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
