Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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