I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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