i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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