I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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