We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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