its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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