R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
