She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
