I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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