my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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