Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
