she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Alive.
So much puke
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
