please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
