Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
