i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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