I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
