you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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