we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
