Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
