I can text with my tongue
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
