Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
