Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
