Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
