Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
