420 ftw
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Randomize
