Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
