so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
