just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
