Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
