dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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