if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
