my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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