Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
