I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
