i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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