Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
