note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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