I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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