I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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