and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
