Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
