me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm just crazy horny about you
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
