i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
