Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
