so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize