I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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