i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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