Your face is a jimmy john
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
