I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
