Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
