She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
